


David Rose vs the Canada Geese

by houdini74



Series: As Canadian as possible, under the circumstances [3]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Canada geese, Canadian stereotypes, Canadian wildlife, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Married Life, geese are evil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29355186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houdini74/pseuds/houdini74
Summary: David’s idyllic life in his and Patrick’s cottage is rudely interrupted by some ill-mannered wildlife.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: As Canadian as possible, under the circumstances [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145771
Comments: 64
Kudos: 183





	David Rose vs the Canada Geese

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third fic in my Canadiana series. As the biased author, I would love it if you read the entire series, but these stories are complete as stand-alones and it’s not necessary.
> 
> David is right. Canada Geese are terrible.
> 
> Rated T for language.

It’s a Wednesday.

Looking back, David will always remember that it was a Wednesday because Wednesdays are his afternoons off and he’s usually home alone while Patrick has the store.

It’s a Wednesday, about two o’clock in the afternoon when David first looks out the living room window and sees the Canada goose. It’s standing dead center in the middle of their front lawn, staring at the front door, like it’s waiting for the complaint department at the Bay to open. David sympathizes. Honestly, it’s a travesty that the Bay doesn’t carry his favourite brand of La Molina chocolates. But the goose probably doesn’t care about chocolates. It looks like it wants to speak to a manager, and since he’s the only one home, David thrusts the curtains shut to block out its accusing gaze.

The goose is gone when Patrick gets home and David can tell his husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal and then the rest of his story evaporates beneath the press of Patrick’s lips beneath his ear and David forgets about the goose.

The next week the goose is back. And this time it’s brought a friend.

David glares at the geese. The geese glare back. “Go on, shoo.” Safely behind the glass of their living room window where he knows they can’t hear him, David flaps a hand at the geese. The geese take an ominous step forward. With a huff, David slides the curtains closed.

That night he tells Patrick about the geese.

“So you think these geese are threatening you?” Patrick runs a hand up and down David’s arm. He doesn’t sound disbelieving so much as confused by David’s unexpected standoff with the local wildlife.

“They were very menacing.”

Patrick kisses his temple. “I promise I’ll scare them away next time.”

A week later and the geese have returned. There’s four of them this time, lined up on the lawn like sentries. Do the geese know Patrick isn’t here and that’s why they come on Wednesdays? Well, Patrick’s not the only one who can deal with this problem. They’re just geese, it’s not like they’re moths. Or butterflies. Or business women in sneakers. David cracks open the front door. Four heads swivel to look at him. For a long moment he stares at the geese and the geese stare back. 

“Go away.” The words come out softer than he’d like, but it’s a start. All four geese take a step forward, their gaits locked in unison, like miniature soldiers. “Go away, please.” David tries again, louder this time. As one, the geese lower their long necks towards him, hissing like a cadre of feathered rattlesnakes. With a noise that an unkind person might call a squeal, David leaps back, slamming the door behind him and locking it for good measure.

Clearly, he needs to take more drastic measures.

“I’m just saying that maybe we could switch days for a week or two. I’ll take Tuesday afternoons off and you can have Wednesdays.” And the geese, he thinks, as he tries to persuade Patrick of his plan.

“I don’t think geese have calendars, David.” Patrick’s hand finds his hip, shifting him to one side as he works around him to make a salad to go with the rice pilaf that David has made in the slow cooker.

“I know that.” David waves a hand through the air before settling it on Patrick’s shoulder. “I just— I’d feel better.”

“Okay, David.” Patrick presses a distracted kiss to the corner of his mouth as he reaches for the salad dressing. “Next week you can have Tuesday off.”

Next Tuesday after lunch, David walks home from the store as usual, his trepidation growing as he gets closer and closer to the cottage. As he turns down the drive, he scans the lawn for any sign of his nemeses, heaving a sigh of relief when he finds the garden empty of geese and any other wildlife. He slips inside, closing the door behind him. In the living room, he throws open the curtains, letting out a shriek at the one, two, three, six geese standing on the other side of the window. “Holy fuck!” He slams the blinds closed, hurrying to lock the door just in case.

He’s hiding in the kitchen, a half-empty bottle of wine on the counter in front of him, when Patrick comes home.

“We’re going to have to move. There were six of them, Patrick! They already outnumber us, we can’t stay here.”

“You know I believe you.” Patrick drops a kiss to the top of his head as he reaches for an empty wine glass. “But I still haven’t seen these geese.”

“Are you saying I’m imagining them?”

“Of course not. It’s just that last week you said there was a moth the size of a dinner plate in the store.”

“There was a lot of flapping, it distorted the size.”

“Maybe we can wait a bit before we sell the house? We just finished your walk-in closet last month.”

“Hmm.” David loves the climate controlled walk-in closet that perfectly protects all of his sweaters. “Okay, but if there ever gets to be more than a dozen geese on our lawn, we’re definitely moving.”

Next Wednesday at noon, David gathers his things from the back room of the store and prepares to head home. After last week’s altercation with the geese, he’s given up on Tuesdays. Clearly, the geese will find him, regardless of which day he takes off work. When he comes out of the back room, he finds Patrick waiting for him at the front door of the store. “What are you doing?”

Patrick flips the sign to ‘Closed’ and opens the door for David. “I’m spending the afternoon with my husband.”

David can feel his face working through a series of expressions before it settles somewhere between relieved and astonished. “What about customer loyalty?”

“Our store’s been open for four years, I think our customers can handle it if we take an afternoon off.”

Patrick takes his hand as they walk home. It’s a perfect summer day. Not too hot, so David’s comfortable in his new Dries von Notten sweater that he bought for a steal on eBay, but sunny and clear. The perfect day to spend relaxing with his husband. If only his anxiety about what might be waiting for them at home made it possible for him to unwind. He grips Patrick’s hand a little tighter. As usual, Patrick senses his thoughts. “David, relax. It’s going to be fine.”

“Mmm.” He knows Patrick doesn’t believe him about the geese. Not that his husband doubts they exist, but that David is exaggerating how scary they are. Maybe Patrick’s right. They’re just birds. He shot a turkey once. Surely he can deal with a flock of waterfowl. 

Their front lawn is free of birds as they come up the drive. David scans the bushes warily. Just because he can’t see them, he knows that they’re here somewhere, just waiting until he goes inside so they can trap him. Patrick unlocks the front door and kicks off his shoes as David hurries in behind him, closing the door as quickly as possible. 

“See, David. There’s nothing to worry about.” David tenses as Patrick pulls open the curtains, peeking cautiously over his husband’s shoulder. There’s no sign of the geese. Patrick turns to face him, his hands finding their familiar spots on David’s hips. Batting his eyelashes at David, he drops his voice to a low growl. “Now that we have the afternoon off, what should we do with it?” He tilts his chin at David, clearly angling for the kiss that David is all too happy to provide. His hands dance along Patrick’s shoulders. They make out lazily for a few minutes, like a pair of kids who have skipped chemistry class while their parents are out of town.

David’s stomach growls and he pulls away. “As much as I’m down with this entire plan of yours and I can’t wait to get started, I might need to eat first.”

Patrick hums at him, his hands are warm on the small of David’s back where they’ve snuck beneath his sweater. “There’s leftovers from last night and the tomatoes are ripe in the garden. I could make a salad?”

David pulls the leftovers out of the fridge and puts them in the microwave before chopping up some lettuce for the salad. He’s halfway through cutting up a cucumber when the microwave beeps at him. What happened to Patrick? Even if he was distracted by some weeds in his beloved garden, he should be back by now. David peers out the kitchen window, his eyes widening as he brings both hands to cover his mouth. 

Patrick is standing in the middle of his carefully constructed raised garden beds, a ripe tomato in each hand. Surrounding him on all sides are the geese. Patrick takes a step towards the house and the geese arch their wings and hiss, forcing Patrick to retreat. Eyes wide, David bites his lips together to keep from laughing even as a sharp hiccup squeaks out between his fingers. He’s a bad husband. Forcing himself to look serious, he pulls open the back door and steps onto their veranda. “Everything okay?” The geese turn as one to look at him and he stands perfectly still, not wanting to draw their attention.

“What do you think?” Patrick inches closer to the house. Sensing his movement, the geese flap their wings and hiss at him again. Patrick freezes. “A little help here, David?” Maybe there’s someone he could call? Ronnie is the logical choice, but Patrick would never forgive him. Roland? No, not even in this situation would he call Roland. “Any time now, David.” Patrick’s voice is sharp and annoyed, the way it gets when David accidentally eats the last of Patrick’s favorite chocolate chunk ice cream.

“Yeah, okay, yep.” He doesn’t recall this being part of their wedding vows, but he can do this. The broom Patrick uses to sweep the back steps is sitting beside the door. He hoists it in one hand and prepares to rescue his husband.

As soon as he steps off the bottom stair, the geese abandon Patrick and move towards him with military precision. Taking a cautious swing with the broom stops the geese in their tracks just as Patrick sidles most of the way around them before breaking into a run. David throws the broom at the geese as Patrick pulls him up the steps into the kitchen, slamming the door behind them. 

Patrick stares at him, wide-eyed and panting. “Geese!”

It takes everything David has not to say ‘I told you so.’ Maybe he’s a better husband than he thinks. “Geese.”

“What the fuck are we going to do now?”

Much to Patrick’s disgust, it’s Ronnie who offers the solution to their geese problem. “You’re cutting your grass too short.” Ronnie gives Patrick her usual side-eye as she sets the chunk of blue cheese on the counter. “If you let it grow, the geese will find somewhere else to go.” She adds a bottle of the white wine David had recommended to her the week before. “I’m surprised you don’t know that, Brewer, seems like you usually know everything.”

Patrick gives Ronnie a tight smile. “I don’t need to know everything when our friends and neighbours are so generous with their advice.”

David’s hands find Patrick’s shoulders, pushing him gently towards the back room. “Don’t you have a spreadsheet to play with?” He adds a complimentary box of the crackers that Ronnie likes to her order. Sometimes he thinks she provokes Patrick just so David will give her free stuff, but he gives her his biggest smile anyway. There’s no point in having her hate both of them.

Three weeks later, David heads home from the store for his afternoon off, humming under his breath as he turns up the driveway. Their lawn is significantly longer than David likes it, but he hasn’t seen a goose in over two weeks. 

Inside, he unties his shoes and heads into the living room. After he makes a snack, he’s going to watch both Notting Hill and Sleepless in Seattle before Patrick gets home. Flinging open the curtains, he stumbles backwards in shock as he takes in the raccoon glaring at him through the glass, its beady eyes riveted on David. “Fuck! Not again!”


End file.
